"freedom" and more....

*PRESENT DAY*

of all the rotten luck to run into someone guaranteed to make me feel like a complete loser.
the worst part: i didnt even remember him!
that too on a day...i thought i was on top of the world.
grrrr....

the universe has been conspiring against me for a long time.
but this was open war.

*FLASHBACK*

the first time id met him was...in 2004 i think.
i cant even remember clearly.
i just remember that was the time saroj REALLY wanted me to get married and was trying every trick in the book.
she'd put a matrimonial advertisement out for me.
yes, it happened.
can you imagine how many deaths i used to die everytime my family joked about the "responses" i was getting?!

he was one of the fools who'd answered and under duress and several fights with saroj later...id gone to "meet" him!
yes, id sunk that low.
as i sipped my coffee and pretended to be interested in EVERYTHING around me except the moron sitting in front of me...i could feel his eyes sizing me up.

i hated his smirk.
afterall who did he think he was?
i was the cool journalist and he was just some random dumb-ass MBA!
but patriarchy teaches us that i could have been goddamn godzilla;s friggin sister and it wouldnt have made a difference.
he would still have asked me about my salary and my "open-mindedness"!!

finally...really irritated id asked him what he did for a living.
now get a load of this..
"i sell freedom to women." he said.
is he trying to be cool and poetic...i thought to myself.
"excuse me?" i said.
"what does freedom mean to you?" he asked me cockily.
"listen, im just a dumb-ass journo so lets not waste time cos i got work to do. why dont you make it easier on everyone and just tell me." i snapped.

for the rest of my life il never forget what happened next.
he just leaned back (well as much you can lean on stupid uncomfortable barista chairs!) and smiled.

"im the head of marketing for "whisper"...the sanitary pads....for all of north india. so essentially i sell freedom to women."
(the smile grew bigger)

there was so much loud clunking in my head as i ran...im not even sure if i paid for my coffee.
apparently i mumbled something to him that could have been "my mother has gone mad" or "you have gone mad."

i came home...shouted at saroj...joked about it with my girlfriends...laughed till i cried at the absurdity of the situation and forgot all about it.
i mean imagine a cool cat like me married to a moron like him!!
i mean....really!

*CUT TO PRESENT DAY*

out celebrating with my friends...the fact that my divorce has FINALLY come through.
im free as a bird...ready to fly again.
and in the mad crush of the club who do i bump into?
ya...its him.
he shouts my name.

i smile and look closely trying to place him.
he says "im the guy who was selling freedom....only you didnt want any!"
normally i have a very expressive face.
its the bane of my existence...never being able to hide my feelings.
but thankfully for once, i was blank.

he pushed the girl next to him towards me.
"that's my wife. we've been married for 4 years. we have a son. he is home with grandparents as his parents get drunk." he went on and on..
"thats great" i mumbled.
"so, what about you?" he looked questioningly at me.

i struggled.
believe me i did.
struggled to tell the truth.
but finally i decided id taken one hit too many...this year.
so i smiled and said "freedom's great. i got some of it for myself too."
and before more questions came flying...i wished them well and ran.
i figured he never needed to know the irony about my freedom.

i dont think im a coward.
but sometimes i do wonder about life's choices. atleast the ones that ive made.

maybe il get saroj to put in another ad for me.
the one that will talk about how beautiful, open minded and friendly i am.
"put in well travelled also." my sister will insert the obvious joke.

or there is another alternative.
this city has just way too many reminders of my flawed and decidely crazy past.
so i think i may have to move.


m

the next step...

the step before the last one is always the toughest to take i think. the air of finalty that decides which side of the rope ul walk.....is still not there i guess. Struggling for 2 weeks and trying to put down the gazillion thoughts flashing in my head, i finally give up....

....and take refuge in the writings of the only man who hasn't let me down...yet.

“What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing?......It's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But then we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.”

- Jack Kerouac



m

que sera sera...

i was so excited about meeting R and S that i almost didnt notice him at first.
perhaps the shadows inside the car ensured that i couldnt see his face.
or maybe it was the beard.
i dont know.

he didnt say much throughout the journey.
i guess we didnt give him a chance.
quietly i could sense him laughing next to me as the rest of us played catch-up.

R busy with a phone call, he started telling us about living alone in a mad city like delhi. the houses to hunt for. sometimes flat-mates if ur a bit tight on cash. hunting for the 'right' house-help who wont rob you blind.

i couldnt remember his name.
just your average-joe going on about mundane things in life.
joe with a soft voice and an accent.
joe who is from bangladesh, living in america and now here in india for a bit.
joe who likes classical, jazz and guitar.
joe who seemed so serious, i assumed he was much older.

as he got out, unloading his things from the car, R rushed to help.
S said he is not supposed to lift heavy stuff after his transplant.
"his transplant??" i asked.
with one of the bags tucked under his arms, R grabbed another suitcase and said,
"his father's liver got completely damaged, so he returned home and donated half of his liver."

shaken, i saw him run about getting his things together.
"how old are you?" i asked.
"23" he said, looking straight at me and smiling.
for the first time i clearly saw his face, his eyes.
as they stared back at me, they were calm.
no hint of panic and shock that i was clearly feeling.

"thanks for all the help. il see you around." he said and waved.
"will he be alright?" i asked R and S, as i saw him walk away.
"he's come this far, he'll be ok." R said shifting gears.

our car sped away into the misty night.
my thoughts with .. i still couldnt remember his name.
but atleast i now knew that he is no average-joe.
he must have guts of steel i kept thinking, wondering if all will be ok.

suddenly over the din of the traffic...i heard the radio playing...very very softly
que sera sera...



m

this year i will....

discussing the blues of life at 4am....cos both of us among many of our disorders have insomnia right there at the top!....one of my dearests sent me a poem last night.....his masterpiece just for me.

sharaab ki do boondon mein khushi aaj ghar laaye hum,
nasha utarne ke baad i DO feel like a bum;
par kal hum aur tum zaroor saath honge,
aur khushiyon ke hazaaar bahaane honge...

i went to sleep smiling...grateful for great friends.
but the blues had hit me cos someone yet again asked me that ever uncomfortable ques that i avoid every december! what was the year like for you? and what are the plans/resolutions for next year?

the years are going by in a flash with not much worth remembering. oh and i stopped making plans a long time ago. so what do i say?
all of us in the same sinking boat of life naturally gravitate towards each other...and board our very own titanic!

so this time we;ve decided to re-write history.
we will not let our titanic sink.
we will take life's lemons and serve it with tequila shots on our boat.
we will NOT squirm each time our failures are thrown at us.
we will embrace them cos thats how we're on a big boat full of people like us.
we will delete all attachments. those files dont open on most computers.
we will drink both beer AND wine.
we will smoke cigars and sing 'beedi'.

and yes a lil something just for me.
guitar lessons and belle dancing...to be able to make more music next year...



m

not quite the jackpot, but...

saroj isnt a huge fan of what she calls "mall culture".
they can sell you designer cow-dung she says!

i on the other hand have a compulsive "mall" disorder.
i can window shop for hours and hours and hours.
i go to malls. take a round. then start again...just gaze at things that i will never use and hence never buy. well...almost never.
sometimes they are just too pretty to resist.

but there MAY be something to be said about that whole designer cow-dung-phenomenon. for example...at rosebys (i love that store no matter what anyone says!) the other day i came across a very beautiful maroon packet with something in a ... well ... brighter maroon i guess!

i looked closely but for the life of me couldnt figure out what was in that plastic!
imagine my jaw hitting the floor when the salesguy said it was a towel.
at first i thought i hadnt heard correctly.
WHO buys a towel for 2 grand??
but then he repeated more firmly and pointed towards a tag...and lo and behold it said...a towel laced with secret desires!!!

i think there were wayyy too many expressions crossing my face at that moment cos he gently said that it was very popular.
reaffirming my faith...i see.
well i put it back with as much grace i could muster...having realised that i may have to make-do without any secret desires in near future since "the towel was out of reach"...and walked out.

but im thinking there IS something to be said for aggressive, strangely innovative marketing these days. double income households where money may not be an issue but imagination is sadly lacking. so a quick fix towel to the rescue!

why else would you need to rely on a towel or a pillow for some imagination!
yes pillow too! at cafe turtle ... they have these little heart shaped ones...depending on your mood.

purple one is for calm serene thoughts..i think.
there is a bright red one for lustful vibes. (yeah go ahead and laugh...i did too!)
infact gifted it to a friend as a joke.
the couple was having some problems and split up anyway.
not sure how much the pillow contributed to it...or maybe dealyed it...i dont know.

what i DO know is...a towel for 2 grand will only ever give me secret "guilt trips".
are you wondering why i told you this stupid story that u dont probably care about?
wel...here;s the punchline....

as i was walking out of rosebys....still reeling from what i now call the "towel effect"...the salesman gently pressed a paper in my hand and said he'd filled out a coupon for me for some lucky draw.

i stopped and without going into my whole life history...gently told him that id NEVER EVER in my life won anything...so it was kind but lucky draws werent for me.
he still insisted on taking down my details.
and though im always cynical about these things...for once i wrote it down for him.

a call just came...informing me that i have WON that lucky draw to shop for TEN THOUSAND rupees worth of stuff at rosebys...absolutely free of cost.
yieeee yieeee yieeeee.
i went back to thank the salesguy who'd pushed me into the draw.
he apparently lasted only a week in that job and had moved onto something else.
i still have my voucher for TEN GRAND.

any suggestions...what i should be shopping for at rosebys??
pls dont say towels!


m

CTRL-ALT-DEL

imagine suddenly finding an old diary in your cupboard.
it smells musty...with paper thats gone almost brittle...and ink that looks like its starting to leak a bit.

doesnt it make ur heart jump a little with excitement? just wondering what memories you'll find there...

for me....its always been about the romance of all things old....books, ideas, thoughts... all written down...and then reading it over and over again for hours...each time coming up with a new interpretation..

till i recently realised that i may actually be stuck in a time-warp.
swimming in the same old ideas and thoughts that one should have let go of long ago.
and everytime an old diary falls out....its like revisiting and then reliving every failure...with a new interpretation...one failure at a time.

so finally im a convert now.
converted to loving this thing called a "computer".
no more brittle memories on brittle pages...or old failures that have a potential to leak/bleed onto your present.

i still write.
only.....whatever i dont like....is now just a delete button away.
so can i now log onto a new beginning then?



m

the lost "me" in the collective "we"...

he was my last hope.
the one person i knew i could really bitch the world out with, as he blew smoke rings and sang and kept cynicism alive.
even he finally gave in to the pressures.
pressures to adapt to this consumeristic cycle of life...completely.

yes, consumeristic because every relationship and every emotion comes with an expiry date these days. even marriages.
ive celebrated my failures with him.
so im not surprised why i was the last one to know.

but he, who for as long as ive known him, had rejected every cliched conformist idea in the book....to now see him running around getting his "life ready" to get married scares me.

life has no answers he always said.
let yet another question get added to the long list...he now says to assure me.
il continue to fret over the layers and layers of mysteries of this life.

but i wish him all the best and hope that he will be able to find...the lost "me" in the collective "we"...


m

milkshake

this is for everyone who is a fan of richard linklater and his films.
its from one of the best films ever made..."before sunrise" (1995)
a poem that a street-poet writes for jesse and celine....


daydream delusion, limousine eyelash
oh baby with your pretty face....drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes....see what you mean to me
sweet-cakes and milkshakes
i'm a delusion angel, i'm a fantasy parade
i want you to know what I think...don't want you to guess anymore
you have no idea where I came from
we have no idea where we're going
lodged in life.....like branches in a river
flowing downstream
caught in the current
i carry you.....you'll carry me
that's how it could be
don't you know me?
don't you know me by now?

m

set my heart ablaze...

i know i haven't written in a lonnnng time. life's been a roller coaster. not the good kind.
id promised myself that next time when i have something truly wonderful to share i will write again. i've waited in vain for 7-8 months.

not much has changed since then. but today i saw my most favourite video in the world again and it filled me with happy thoughts. and here i am....

dreams are like flowers. they need sunlight and lots of nurturing for them to truly bloom. the light may have temporarily faded a little, but i nurture the dreams....hoping that one day they will all come true.

the video of mani ratnam's title track from "dil se"....it sets my heart on fire. i always wonder how a song can be so full of innocence that only the young have and yet so much breath-stopping passion! gulzar;s lyrics, rahman's genius in composing and singing....matching perfectly with the way shahrukh and manisha bring it alive and ablaze on screen.

this was according to me the best time of shahrukh's career. the passion on his face ... in his eyes in the song is so raw and earthy....not corrupted yet by the power and the superstardom that would come later.

it set me thinking....when so young...do we really understand "love" or "dreams" or "desires"? its ironical that by the time one starts understanding their meanings...the naivette that brings boundless passion has slowly started waning.

so when do we truly love? as young when we don't know what it means and everything that it will entail? or older and wiser when we are so aware of all the risks involved that we always dread to take that final step .... towards blissful freefall.....?

m

And the Oscar goes to....

"May all praise be to the almighty"....
Collecting that absolutely gorgeous golden man, when Rahman said those words, we were all there in that moment with him sharing that glory.

A glory that took a long time coming. But its here now and how proud we all are.
It was almost like a beautifully scripted film....hitting just the right notes at all the right times.

But like with every film we all have that one special moment that we always remember.
For me that moment came....when a calm, composed and almost unruffled with such a huge success....Rahman in a dramatic way declared "mere pass maa hai"!!

When Salim-Javed had written those lines for the then angry young man of the 70s...Vijay...who in a passionate monologue declares that he has nothing in life except his mother;s wishes...cinama halls had echoed the applause for a long time.

Trishul had gone on to be a huge hit...and that dialogue resurfacing each time in either a stage show or in ads to demonstrate the angst of that angry young man. So even the writer duo in their wildest dreams would not have imagined this dialogue making it onto the biggest stage of cinema....the oscars. Only to be spoken.....in a complete contrast....by a humble, composed and as far from that angry young man like rahman...as they could possibly imagine!

For me it was truly the moment when bollywood had made it on that big stage in all its glory :)

Now while im happy like everyone else that Rahman and Resul Pookutty rocked at the oscars....im still not convinced that slumdog was the better film of the day. Sometimes we are at the right place at the right time and then small budgets and great work don't matter.

Some say the timing for the film was right....coming at the height of recession the story of an underdog gives everyone hope. Some argue that its India;s poverty at its gloriest best, shining so brightly amongst the glittering diamonds and glamourous vaentinos and armani;s at the oscars.

But I think sometimes its just your day and then nothing else matters. Slumdog by any stretch of imagination can't be called Rahman;s or for that matter even Danny Boyle;s best work.
Rahman is a genius who has done some absolutely sensational work and this recognition for him was just long overdue. But S always says...nature never keeps anyone;s due. And if its a long time coming then even better...cos then u get your due with interest. Rahman got two oscars!!

Whether or not its true....one will never know. But what we DO know is that its made each and every Indian....no matter how cynical and critical of Slumdog;s journey right upto that moment when they all came on stage...a believer.

And isn't that what we celebrated at the 81st Academy awards this year? Hope winning over everything and every hardship .... and victory for the underdog...in this case...the slumdog. So here;s to the best picture according to me...the oscars!

m

Bollywood ke naam...

"Kitne aadmi they..." or "mat ro pushpa...i hate tears re!" or the more recent "rahul...naam to suna hoga". Over the years so many of these dialogues are now practically part of everyone's memory.

But there are some bollywood fans like me...who alongwith all these mega blockbuster films also have as part of their growing up memories some films/songs/dialogues that most of you would not even have heard of. Well...unless ur a crazy fan like me...in which case we may have loads to reminisce about.

Now....ive dug out a few gems for those who are not fans...yet.

For example...
- how many of you know that once there was a hot debate in the industry in early 90s on whether rahul roy should be shown in the buff in a film called "Junoon". From the mahesh bhatt camp....this film had roy turning into a tiger everytime there was a full moon night because he had killed a tiger on one such night. So dutifully he lures women on full moon nights with songs picturised in discos .."prem prem o' meri dilruba tu dil ke kareen hai...tera pyaar mera naseeb hai..." and then eats them up in the disco loo!! (after such an exciting plot would you even THINK about rahul roy in the buff?)

- Now Rangoli on sunday mornings and chitrahaar on wed and friday nights at 8pm were nector for starving souls like me. I still remember at 7.15 my sunday morning made...when I caught the song from Meera ka Mohan....an Avinash Wadhawan (who couldnt dance to save his life!) with a flute in his hand..singing..."O Krishna...you are the greatest musician of this world.." in Bappi Da's inimitable voice!

- In late 80's and even till mid 90's....when cable hadn't invaded homes and hearts the way it has now...small publishing houses used to take out booklets for newly released films...almost like a comic book...full with dialogues and songs etc! My sister will tell you...all my pocket money went towards buying those books. I remember "reading" Tehelka...and even though it was a true classic...cos id heard it on the radio many a times...it was only much later that i SAW the songs...main hoon naram garam....arre kaisi sharam! or aditya panscholi ...naseer and javed jaffery dressed in bikinis singing...meri chhatri ke neeche aaja...kyun bheege re kamla khadi khadi!!

- "where is the time to hate...when there is so little time to love...come on lets sing sing sing...come on lets dance dance dance....come on have fun fun fun...meri jaan"...from saatwan aasman. Do I really need to elaborate this?!

- classic hollywood dialogues like "think and hit" from Ghost became "socho aur maaro..." in a straight lift Pyaar ka Saaya

- My personal fav is "if you want to shoot....shoot....don't talk" by ajay devgan...in phool aur kaante and "bolte bahut ho keshav.." by anupam kher from roop ki rani choron ka raja...just after he shoots "keshav"....for talking too much.
Interestingly..had it released much earlier Rakeysh Mehra's pigeon in Dilli 6;s....the much talked about...masakalli....would have been in direct competition with Anil Kapoor;s 'Jango' in the film...!!

Im not even sure if anyone is reading my ramblings....but if you are...and have some of those gems to share...do write in.

Love and think money!

m

For the 'love' of....

Im an avid facebooker. I take all the quizzes, predictions and applications quite seriously. So when my dear friend dubes sent me an invitation to share 25 random things about myself...it really got me thinking.
By the time the note was written and posted...i realised that 2 points got everyone's attention. So much so that all day today I just fielded calls about it.
1. I still read mills and boon.
2. I dont believe in romance...just great holidays.

When a very dear friend asked if i was reading romance novels to scout for holiday destinations......all i could say was that she'd clearly not read "Italian billionaire's virgin mistress"!...cos the description of tuscany in that is better than in any other book ive read..so yes it IS about great holidays :)

But it got me thinking....at a time when we;re all leading such heavy duty lives..whats wrong with a girl enjoying a bit of distraction?!

The first time I picked up one..(cant even remember when that was!) it was called "Greek tycoon's reluctant bride". Is there any other kind? Id said to myself at the time. Many years and several thousand books later....im hopelessly hooked.

For the uninitiated...welcome to the world of intrigue, silhoutte, historical and harlequin romances. These are categories under which writers pen down those thoughts and fantasies that never ever come true for average, middle class, hard working girls like me.

They;re glamourous, sarcastic, erotic and witty (ok im pushing it a bit) and loads of fun. Where else will you see the CEO of a multi billion empire falling first in lust with the office cleaner in pink overalls...that somehow manage to make him imagine the body underneath. And after that punishing kiss...miraculously fall in love...a state he;d managed to avoid till he met our girl...despite only dating super stunning models before that.

Or the boy from the wrong side of the tracks (these settings are only in greece, italy or downtown newyork!) who after a close brush with the law..despite being an orphan with no money and no prospects suddenly ends up as a billionaire. For revenge, dates some heiress whose family is now actually bankrupt but she hasnt lost her breeding!..and then while teaching her a lesson..he himself learns the most important lesson of all...that love conquers all.

This is the world where anything is possible. Men are always dashing with broad shoulders and impeccable manners, rough on the outside and mush on the inside and sexual atheletes to boot. Women are beautiful ...their hair always "cascading", some are even virgins at 26! always with pure hearts....who manage to find that happily-ever after.....that eludes so many of us.

So whats wrong i ask again...if we take refuge in a bit of fantasy every now and then. After all it does ease off some of that stress thats become a part of our left rib by now! And makes us look forward to that trip to tuscany...in hope that we may run into our italian billionaire there :)

Everyone;s allowed to borrow a lil fairy tale....its valentine;s day after all.

m

What's in a name?

A few hours that I've been a blogger, ive got questions on why my blog has such a strange name! Now ideally i would have just flicked my hair and said...cos i wanted one...! But just this one time im making an exception.


The thing is im addicted to that absolutely intelligently funny and addictive series called "Sex and the City". And even though I wish I was more like a cross between Carrie and Samantha...my biggest fear is that im actually like Miranda!!!!!!! Anyway....


Now of course this bit is only for the SATC fans. So when Big marries Natasha and Carrie wonders why it wasnt her...the girls come up with a parallel from that old classic fav of mine "the way we were"!


Big is like Hubbell who couldn't be with Katie cos she was too complicated and too independent and too passionate and just too too too everything. And thats when the 4 girls realise that the world is made up of two kinds of girls. The simple girls (the one that hubbell marries and the Big marries) and the Katie girls.


The girls who may SEEM like losers to the world but are actually living life on their own terms. After all how many of us can claim to have that privilege! I imediately realised too that im a katie girl. So when i was choosing a name for my blog and 99 other names got rejected...cos they'd all been taken by the simple girls...i tried this one. and voila!


So there....I AM A KATIE GIRL :)

m

A brand new slate!

Before we begin this extremely adventurous journey...there are a few things you all need to know about me!

- im bad at punctuation. no can do!
- i dont like or dislike things. i just LOVE and HATE!
- i love cinema with a passion thats blinding and often tend to get carried away with even the most random films ever!
- and my i-pod is my most treasured possession!

so whats new with you?

m