"freedom" and more....

*PRESENT DAY*

of all the rotten luck to run into someone guaranteed to make me feel like a complete loser.
the worst part: i didnt even remember him!
that too on a day...i thought i was on top of the world.
grrrr....

the universe has been conspiring against me for a long time.
but this was open war.

*FLASHBACK*

the first time id met him was...in 2004 i think.
i cant even remember clearly.
i just remember that was the time saroj REALLY wanted me to get married and was trying every trick in the book.
she'd put a matrimonial advertisement out for me.
yes, it happened.
can you imagine how many deaths i used to die everytime my family joked about the "responses" i was getting?!

he was one of the fools who'd answered and under duress and several fights with saroj later...id gone to "meet" him!
yes, id sunk that low.
as i sipped my coffee and pretended to be interested in EVERYTHING around me except the moron sitting in front of me...i could feel his eyes sizing me up.

i hated his smirk.
afterall who did he think he was?
i was the cool journalist and he was just some random dumb-ass MBA!
but patriarchy teaches us that i could have been goddamn godzilla;s friggin sister and it wouldnt have made a difference.
he would still have asked me about my salary and my "open-mindedness"!!

finally...really irritated id asked him what he did for a living.
now get a load of this..
"i sell freedom to women." he said.
is he trying to be cool and poetic...i thought to myself.
"excuse me?" i said.
"what does freedom mean to you?" he asked me cockily.
"listen, im just a dumb-ass journo so lets not waste time cos i got work to do. why dont you make it easier on everyone and just tell me." i snapped.

for the rest of my life il never forget what happened next.
he just leaned back (well as much you can lean on stupid uncomfortable barista chairs!) and smiled.

"im the head of marketing for "whisper"...the sanitary pads....for all of north india. so essentially i sell freedom to women."
(the smile grew bigger)

there was so much loud clunking in my head as i ran...im not even sure if i paid for my coffee.
apparently i mumbled something to him that could have been "my mother has gone mad" or "you have gone mad."

i came home...shouted at saroj...joked about it with my girlfriends...laughed till i cried at the absurdity of the situation and forgot all about it.
i mean imagine a cool cat like me married to a moron like him!!
i mean....really!

*CUT TO PRESENT DAY*

out celebrating with my friends...the fact that my divorce has FINALLY come through.
im free as a bird...ready to fly again.
and in the mad crush of the club who do i bump into?
ya...its him.
he shouts my name.

i smile and look closely trying to place him.
he says "im the guy who was selling freedom....only you didnt want any!"
normally i have a very expressive face.
its the bane of my existence...never being able to hide my feelings.
but thankfully for once, i was blank.

he pushed the girl next to him towards me.
"that's my wife. we've been married for 4 years. we have a son. he is home with grandparents as his parents get drunk." he went on and on..
"thats great" i mumbled.
"so, what about you?" he looked questioningly at me.

i struggled.
believe me i did.
struggled to tell the truth.
but finally i decided id taken one hit too many...this year.
so i smiled and said "freedom's great. i got some of it for myself too."
and before more questions came flying...i wished them well and ran.
i figured he never needed to know the irony about my freedom.

i dont think im a coward.
but sometimes i do wonder about life's choices. atleast the ones that ive made.

maybe il get saroj to put in another ad for me.
the one that will talk about how beautiful, open minded and friendly i am.
"put in well travelled also." my sister will insert the obvious joke.

or there is another alternative.
this city has just way too many reminders of my flawed and decidely crazy past.
so i think i may have to move.


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the next step...

the step before the last one is always the toughest to take i think. the air of finalty that decides which side of the rope ul walk.....is still not there i guess. Struggling for 2 weeks and trying to put down the gazillion thoughts flashing in my head, i finally give up....

....and take refuge in the writings of the only man who hasn't let me down...yet.

“What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing?......It's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But then we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.”

- Jack Kerouac



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que sera sera...

i was so excited about meeting R and S that i almost didnt notice him at first.
perhaps the shadows inside the car ensured that i couldnt see his face.
or maybe it was the beard.
i dont know.

he didnt say much throughout the journey.
i guess we didnt give him a chance.
quietly i could sense him laughing next to me as the rest of us played catch-up.

R busy with a phone call, he started telling us about living alone in a mad city like delhi. the houses to hunt for. sometimes flat-mates if ur a bit tight on cash. hunting for the 'right' house-help who wont rob you blind.

i couldnt remember his name.
just your average-joe going on about mundane things in life.
joe with a soft voice and an accent.
joe who is from bangladesh, living in america and now here in india for a bit.
joe who likes classical, jazz and guitar.
joe who seemed so serious, i assumed he was much older.

as he got out, unloading his things from the car, R rushed to help.
S said he is not supposed to lift heavy stuff after his transplant.
"his transplant??" i asked.
with one of the bags tucked under his arms, R grabbed another suitcase and said,
"his father's liver got completely damaged, so he returned home and donated half of his liver."

shaken, i saw him run about getting his things together.
"how old are you?" i asked.
"23" he said, looking straight at me and smiling.
for the first time i clearly saw his face, his eyes.
as they stared back at me, they were calm.
no hint of panic and shock that i was clearly feeling.

"thanks for all the help. il see you around." he said and waved.
"will he be alright?" i asked R and S, as i saw him walk away.
"he's come this far, he'll be ok." R said shifting gears.

our car sped away into the misty night.
my thoughts with .. i still couldnt remember his name.
but atleast i now knew that he is no average-joe.
he must have guts of steel i kept thinking, wondering if all will be ok.

suddenly over the din of the traffic...i heard the radio playing...very very softly
que sera sera...



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this year i will....

discussing the blues of life at 4am....cos both of us among many of our disorders have insomnia right there at the top!....one of my dearests sent me a poem last night.....his masterpiece just for me.

sharaab ki do boondon mein khushi aaj ghar laaye hum,
nasha utarne ke baad i DO feel like a bum;
par kal hum aur tum zaroor saath honge,
aur khushiyon ke hazaaar bahaane honge...

i went to sleep smiling...grateful for great friends.
but the blues had hit me cos someone yet again asked me that ever uncomfortable ques that i avoid every december! what was the year like for you? and what are the plans/resolutions for next year?

the years are going by in a flash with not much worth remembering. oh and i stopped making plans a long time ago. so what do i say?
all of us in the same sinking boat of life naturally gravitate towards each other...and board our very own titanic!

so this time we;ve decided to re-write history.
we will not let our titanic sink.
we will take life's lemons and serve it with tequila shots on our boat.
we will NOT squirm each time our failures are thrown at us.
we will embrace them cos thats how we're on a big boat full of people like us.
we will delete all attachments. those files dont open on most computers.
we will drink both beer AND wine.
we will smoke cigars and sing 'beedi'.

and yes a lil something just for me.
guitar lessons and belle dancing...to be able to make more music next year...



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